is our editors picks
of the most used and abused one line jokes compiled for your convenience one this one page reference point. We suggest
saying each one liner out loud and if the delivery sounds good, internalize your favorites to spring on friends and family
at the appropriate time. Be a hit with your work colleagues at your next dull business meeting or impress your buddies
with your sharp witted tongue at the next boys night out!
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Your Ultimate Listings of One Liners Utopia!
Every cheesy one liner joke is listed in hypothetical order!
Q: What is the definition of suspicious??
A: A nun doing pushups in a cucumber patch.
The husband said to his wife, "Honey, what do you say that tonight we change positions?"
"Okay," she said. "You stand by the ironing board and I'll lie on the sofa and watch TV."
Q: How do you embarrass an archeologist?
A: Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.
Q: How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A: It's not hard.
What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? - 45 lbs.
What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? - 45 minutes
Life stinks- I lent a guy ten grand to get plastic surgery, and now I don't know what he looks
like!
What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman? - Sexual harassment.
What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man? $3.99 a minute.
Q. What do you call a rabbit with a bent dick?
A. Fucks Funny!
How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry it!
What's the best thing about Alzheimer's
disease?
You get to meet new people every day!
What is the difference between a battery and a
woman?
A battery has a positive side.
Why does the bride always wear white?
Because it is
good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.
Why is it difficult to find men who
are sensitive, caring and good looking?
They've got boyfriends already.
What is the
similarity between a woman and laxative?
They both irritate the shit out of you!
What's the
difference between a lawyer and God?
God doesn't think he's a lawyer.
Why is the space
between a girl's tits and hips called the waist?
Because you could put another pair of tits in
there!
Why do Jewish men like to watch porno movies backwards?
They like the part where the
hooker gives the money back.
Why are electric trains like a mother's breasts?
They were both
designed for the kids, but it's the fathers who are always playing with them.
Do you know why
they call it the Wonder Bra?
When you take it off you wonder where her tits went.
Why do
women close their eyes during sex?
They can't stand seeing a man have a good time.
What's the
medical term for a female-to-male sex change operation?
Strapadictomy.
How is a pussy like a
grapefruit?
The best ones squirt when you eat them.
What's the difference between a blonde
and a mosquito?
A mosquito quits sucking when you smack it.
How do you tell if a chick's too
fat to fuck?
When you pull her pants down and her ass is still in them.
What is the
difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again!
Why is it so hard for women to take a piss in the morning?
Did you ever try to peel apart a grilled
cheese sandwich?
How do we know God is a man?
Because if God were a woman, sperm would taste
like chocolate!
Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
They don't have
balls to scratch.
What is the definition of making love?
Something a woman does while a guy
is boning her.
What do rednecks do for Halloween?
Pump kin!
Why do men like blowjobs?
It's the only time they get something into a woman's head straight!
What's the biggest problem
for an atheist?
No-one to talk to during an orgasm! (Oh, God!)
What's worse than a cardboard
box?
Paper tits!
What is 60 foot long and stinks of piss?
A conga line in an old folks
home!
What's the best thing about a blow job?
Five minutes of peace and quiet.
What's
the difference between Bill Clinton and JFK?
One got his head blown off and the other was
assassinated.
Two condoms walk past a gay bar. One of them says to
the other, "Hey, whaddya
say we go in there & get shit-faced?"
One Liners: The Motherlode!
- My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her
...or something like that.
- Keep honking while I reload.
- If we are what we eat; I'm cheap, fast, and easy.
- Bad Cop! No Donut!
- Change is inevitable, except from a vending
machine.
- It's lonely at the top, but you eat better
- I love cats ... they taste just like chicken.
- I get enough exercise just pushing my luck
- Sorry, I don't date outside my species
- Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
- Cover me. I'm changing lanes.
- As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in
public schools.
- Happiness is a belt-fed weapon.
- Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
- Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let
her sleep.
- I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather...
Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in
his car ...
- Tow-ers will be violated.
- Montana - At least our cows are sane!
- The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
- I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain
to be a vegetarian.
- Your kid may be an honor student but you're still
an IDIOT!
- It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get
you.
- When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case
heaven is like the IRS.
- Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with
your lips.
- Friends don't let Friends drive Naked.
- Wink, I'll do the rest!
- I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
- When there's a will, I want to be in it!
- Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality
check?
- If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they
made of meat?
- Diarrhea is inherited. It runs in your jeans!
- Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all
its students!
- My karma ran over my dogma.
- Reality? That's where the pizza delivery guy comes
from!
- Forget about World Peace.....Visualize Using Your
Turn Signal!
- Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they
appear.
- Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
- We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things
get worse.
- Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better
idiot.
- He who laughs last thinks slowest.
- Always remember you're unique, just like everyone
else.
- Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
- Friends help you move. Real friends help you move
bodies.
- Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
- Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone,
somewhere may be happy.
- Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
i souport publik edekasion.
- We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be
Assimilated.
- Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing
home.
- There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count
& those who can't.
- Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
- Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
- Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till
you can find a rock.
- 2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.
- I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working
with subatomic particles.
- I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die
- If you smoke after sex, you're doing it too fast.
- Jesus is coming, everyone look busy.
- There's too much blood in my alcohol system.
- I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
- Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
- WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
- You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
- BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
- So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute!
- I need someone really bad... are you really bad?
- Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
- Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
- To all you virgins, thanks for nothing.
- I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
- The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
- My kid had sex with your honor student.
- Don't hit me. My lawyer's in jail.
- If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
- Help wanted: Telepathy ... you know where to apply.
- Hang up and drive.
- Lord save me from your followers.
- Guns don't kill people, postal workers do.
- Born again pagan.
- God must love stupid people, he made so many.
- I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.
- Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
- Friends don't let Friends drive Naked.
- Wink, I'll do the rest!
- I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
- Ax me about Ebonics
- Body by Nautilus; brain by Mattel
- Boldly going nowhere
- CATS: The other white meat
- CAUTION - Driver legally blonde!
- Warning: I intentionally run over small, furry animals.
- Don't be sexist - broads hate that
- Eat Well, Stay Fit, Die Anyway
- Heart Attacks...God's Revenge for Eating His Animal
Friends
- He's not dead, He's electroencephalographically
challenged
- Honk if you've never seen an Uzi fired from a car
window
- How many roads must a man travel down before he admits
he is lost.
- I am Homer of Borg. Prepare to be assimi... Oooh!
Donuts!
- If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, riddle them
with bullets
- If you lived in your car, you'd be home by now
- I'm an imbecile and I vote
- WARNING! Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition
- What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull
- CAUTION: I drive just like you!
- If You Don't Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut.
- Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying "No Hard Feelings."
- Practice Safe Sex. Go Screw Yourself.
- It's Been Lovely, But I Have To Scream Now.
- "Please Tell Your Pants It's Not Polite To Point."
- Don't Be Sexist - Broads Hate That.
- Saw It... Wanted It... Had A Fit... Got It!
- Constipated people don't give a crap.
- If you drink, don't park--accidents cause people.
- Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
- My kid got your honor roll student pregnant.
- To all you virgins: Thanks for nothing.
- If at first you don't succeed...blame someone else and seek counseling.
- If you can read this, I've lost my trailer.
- You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me.
- The Earth Is Full - Go Home.
- I Have The Body Of A God......Buddha.
- This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me.
- So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time.
- Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.
- If We Quit Voting, Will They All Go Away?
- The Face Is Familiar, But I Can't Quite Remember My Name.
- I Haven't Lost My Mind, It's Backed Up On Disk Somewhere.
- If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong...
- Fight Crime: Shoot Back!
- Necrophillia: That uncontrollable urge to crack open a cold one.
- Boldly going nowhere
- Honk if you've never seen an Uzi fired from a car window
- Some people are only alive because
it is illegal to shoot them
- WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
- 5 days a week my body is a temple.
The other two, it's an amusement park.
- Alcohol and calculus don't mix.
Never drink and derive.
